Goodbye, goodbye
by yahoo-chloe
Summary: Bella always knew this day would come- she didn't need Alice to know that it would happen eventually. Can she handle saying a final goodbye to someone so important in her human life whilst she lives on forever? Complete.
1. Consequences

Goodbye, Goodbye

**Consequences**

I held his withered hand in mine, and tried to keep the fake, plastic smile on my face. I wouldn't let his last moments be filled with my pain- this time wasn't about me. He tried to smile back, but the tears coursing down the rough lines etched into his face ruined all his efforts. His lips quivered a few time, as if he was in pain. His hand was suddenly tighter on mine, but I couldn't do the same for fear of breaking the ancient, brittle bones holding his hand together.

The tears dripped off his face and onto the simple hospital bed sheets that were pulled up tight to his chin. He did nothing to try and brush them away. Instead he blinked once more, for longer than was necessary, and stared straight into my anxious golden eyes.

"Goodbye, Bella." He almost whispered, before closing his eyes again. His hand began to lose its grip on mine, and I held it tightly to me like it could somehow stop him from leaving me.

It was too late- he was gone.

I had always known this day would come. I would do anything to distract myself when the topic found its way into my mind again, but in truth it never left. If I could have slept, it would have been the subject of my darkest nightmares. Instead, it took refuge in my subconscious- ready to emerge at any time.

When Alice had told me that it was near, it took me too long to believe. I spent so much time alone, trying to come to terms with what was going to happen when I could have been _fighting _it. I should have been spending those rapidly dwindling hours with him before he left my life forever.

Just like how I had left his.

I blamed Edward. I could barely even admit it to myself, but that didn't make it any less true. If it wasn't for him, I would never have to worry about saying goodbye to any of my family and friends like this, whilst I lived on immortal and unstoppable. If he hadn't been so irresistible, I could have lived life the way it was supposed to be lived. My human existence had seemed like a fine exchange when the time had come for me to join the Cullens. It still did, most days, when Edward and I would spend hours in our own happy little world. We would talk about everything and nothing, travelled to the greatest sights and to the corner shop. It still surprised me how in fifty odd years of such a life, we had never for a second been bored together. It was the complete opposite- whenever he absolutely _had _to spend time away from me, time suddenly meant something again. Seconds, minutes and hours added up and sat heavily on my shoulders. Nothing would hold my interest longer than a few minutes. If it ever stretched to days, the distance itself would become unbearable. Thankfully, he had only ever had to leave me once for such a length of time.

Now someone else I loved would leave me for even longer.

It was one of the few occasions I didn't miss my old truck. I drove to the airport, as I couldn't risk running down the busy city streets. Edward and I loved New York- his family's bottomless bank account meant that we could live close to the centre of the city in comfort. I hardly ever had to see green, unless I took a shortcut through Central Park whilst Edward could keep up with the ever-shifting music scene. _La Vie Bohème_ still attracted many hard-done by musicians to the city's many night venues. I barely missed sleep, as there was so much to do here at all hours of the day. It was a longer way to travel to hunt, I reminded myself as I fixed the rear view mirror and caught a glimpse of my darkening golden irises, but it was most definitely worth it.

The plane journey was uneventful. The enclosed compartment reminded me momentarily of the journey back from Italy, with Edward. My hand brushed across the empty seat beside me. There had been two tickets in my bag, but only one of them ended up being used. He couldn't read my mind but he didn't have to to understand what I felt about his connection with what I was doing here today. I was careful to keep my face empty of emotion whilst I was so close to other passengers- my features attracted enough attention already. I swallowed back the pain, along with all the water the air hostess would bring me (a poor way to slake my thirst), and wished that I could just sleep the next few hours away.

It was hard to get a rental car when I landed in Washington, seeing as I was so obviously still in my teens. I had to flash my passport at a number of suspicious officials before they would believe I was anything close to twenty-one. Finally, I was handed the keys to a blue Honda. It annoyed me that trivial things cut down my already limited time- why hadn't I left before? When I was at home with Edward, it had seemed like such an impossible idea. Now I was in Washington, everything felt so much more real. The endless ferns at the side of the road pressed in on me as I sped to my final destination, making me claustrophobic as well as edgy.

The La Push hospital almost exactly as I remembered it- a few more potted plants had been put around the place and the receptionist was new, but otherwise it was the same. I had been here when Jake's first child had been born, though he'd had no idea. Edward had told me, with a grimace, that if it was a girl he was set on calling it Bella. He had seriously edited the thoughts Jake was having when he held his little child for the first time, which had annoyed me. I had understood, though. It had been hard enough getting him to come with me. In the end, Jake had a little boy. They called him Billy, after his granddad, and he was nearly sixteen now. I kept an eye on him, especially since his dad went through his second divorce- and had bought him his first motorcycle.

"Room twelve, up the hall." A thickset male nurse had told me, when I asked for what room the patient I was searching for was in. "I don't think he has much longer left in him, I'm sorry to say. You got here just in time."

I bit my lip with all my strength to stop me crying out. I nodded quickly, and almost ran in the direction he had been pointing in. How had it come to this? I wondered silently as I counted the doors. How had my decision to move to Forks ever ended with this?

Finally, the pair of dull numbers stuck onto the bland hospital door told me to stop. I could lift skyscrapers, swim oceans and run marathons without breaking a sweat- but pushing open that thin plastic door took more strength from me than any of them.

The figure on the bed was scarily thin. It didn't suit him, the way his hair had only been reduced to a few wisps surrounding his ears. The shadows under his eyes were almost as pronounced as mine, and my stomach turned to lead when he focused his tired, yellowing eyes on my face.

"Hello, Charlie." I whispered, closing the door slowly behind me.


	2. Strangers

Untitled

**Strangers**

It took him less time than I thought it would for him to talk. As if on cue, the Forks rain began to drizzle and darken the sky outside. I leant back against the door, my face carefully blank as I took in his huddled form. The nurse had been right- he looked like the wind could pick him up and blow him away. His brow was furrowed as he looked at me, his mouth slackened in surprise. I watched and waited, ready to explain.

"Damn," He growled. He closed his eyes, leant back against the pillow and gave a sigh.

I blinked, stunned. That was one reaction I hadn't expected. Running and screaming maybe- disappointment, no.

"I c-can go if you want, Dad." I stammered, but stayed still. I could hardly believe that after all this time, he could still hold a grudge.

Charlie opened his eyes quickly, moving his hands shaking to point at the wicker chair next to the bed. "No, no stay. You might as well, whilst you're here."

I bit my lip and tried to cover up my hurt expression. I hurried across the room and sat down next to him, waiting warily for him to explode at me for what had happened so long ago. Had my departure really poisoned him so much that he couldn't let go, he couldn't forgive and spend his last day with me?

"I can't believe I'm dead." Charlie muttered. His voice had a wheezy edge to it that he seemed to have accumulated with age. I suddenly realised what he had thought when I walked into the room- this really was Italy all over again.

"You're not dead," I reassured him with a half smile. I put my frozen hands in his. "See? I'm real."

His brow furrowed again before he grabbed my hands as tight as he could. I could barely tell he was trying to them there by force- the strength of his grip was pitifully weak. Even for a human. He rubbed my hands, either trying to warm them up or trying to prove that I wasn't really there.

"I'm hallucinating then. Otherwise you wouldn't be here." Charlie replied stubbornly. The loose skin under his chin wobbled as he spoke. It was amazing, and sad, to see the likeness to my old Grampa Swan. Charlie's looks had faded, leaving him only the twinkling eyes and a few extra bags on top of the crow's feet he'd had already when I moved in with him. I had missed him growing old, and the shock of the change really hit me now I was up so close up. It hurt so bad to see him like this. I wanted him to jump up from the bed, yelling that it was all just a joke. He was Charlie- he couldn't leave me. Still, the force keeping him attached to his body seemed to be fading. Every few words, he needed to catch his breath. He kept leaning back on the pillow and closing his eyes.

"You're not hallucinating Dad. I'm here. Do you really think I'd miss this, now, for anything?" I wondered aloud. The hurt crept into my voice at the end as it broke. I didn't want to say what 'this' was. We both knew how little time there was left.

"You missed everything else." He retorted harshly, his eyes flashing as he turned to look at me.

I bowed my head. What could I say to that? I'd missed so much and I could never repay him, or Renée, for the hurt I'd caused. I told myself again it was for the best. Myself found it to be a lame answer.

"I had to, Dad. It was for the best. Please, let's not fight." I pleaded, trying to convince him to believe me… without any good reasons. What could I tell him now that he would ever believe?

"For the best?" He wheezed, getting worked up. "Running away with that-"

"His name is Edward, dad. We don't have to talk about him." I replied quietly.

Charlie gave me a searching look, shuffling uncomfortably on his pillows.

"Is he here?" He asked gruffly, unsure of my reply.

"No, Dad." I tried to smile, but it didn't quite reach my face. "I asked him not to. I didn't think you'd want him here now."

"I want whatever makes you happy." He promised me, shaking my hands where they were entwined with his so I was forced to look into his eyes. I could tell Charlie was slightly mollified by the gesture, whatever he said.

We stayed like this for a moment. The rain's pitter-patter that had been filling the silence was wearing off now; streaks of sunlight were breaking through the cloud. I got up to pull up the blind a bit- Charlie seemed to be soaking up the darkness like a sponge. I couldn't lose him yet. I couldn't lose him at all. How would I ever be able to continue living after this?

"I still think you're a dream." He said conversationally. Charlie wasn't looking at me, he was staring out of the window. Probably trying to see if I would have disappeared by the time he turned back around. "How else would you still look… still be… so _young_?"

If I could have blushed, I would have. That was one thing I had forgotten about, and undoubtedly the real reason why he had thought I was just part of his imagination. He was bound to have noticed that I didn't look any different from the day I walked out of the door. All those years down at the station had paid off. And I thought he was just playing rummy.

I stood still, my fingers still holding the blind. I twisted it slowly, trying to think of the best way to say what I needed to. It didn't seem to fit in this place, with my dad and the boring hospital furniture. It sounded like madness, even to me. Still, that didn't make it any less true.

"The Cullens don't… age, Dad." I began, thinking that this was the best place to start.

"What do you mean, Bells?" Charlie answered slowly. His eyes were quiet, wondering if I was just plain crazy. It seemed like he was giving me the benefit of the doubt by not saying anything else, just waiting to hear the rest. But how much of the rest could he take?

"Have you looked at my eyes, Dad?" I said, trying a different tack. Surely he was bound to notice some of the differences- I had been pale before, but how I was now… it went beyond that. My facial features were much more defined, with thicker lips and eyelashes. My teeth where brighter than the forty watt bulb illuminating the gloomy hospital room. I had lost a little weight, I hadn't fallen over once since I'd walked in the room- all little mementos from the transformation. I still shivered at the memory of the pain, but it didn't feel so bad now I was here. The pain of looking at my Dad, of seeing him like this and wondering which words would be his last… This felt impossibly, sickeningly worse.

"You got contacts, honey?" He asked, trying and failing to see what this had to do with our current conversation.

I sighed. It had seemed so much easier when Edward had told me. I had a sudden memory of the meadow, and decided to try something. I ran at full speed back to the chair and sat down. For a second, Charlie thought I had disappeared. His already wrinkled face managed to crumple into more thick, skin coloured lines. His breathing deepened and his hands shook, grasping at each other as they tried to help him come to terms with what he had seen. The sudden change in him was terrifying. Had I given him some sort of seizure?

I coughed twice, which made him jump. His ancient neck spun round to face me at a snail's pace. Or so it seemed, compared to how I had just travelled. Charlie stopped and stared straight into my butterscotch eyes, trying to work out what he had just seen. He still shook slightly, and I kicked myself for doing something that could have… had such a bad effect on him. His health wasn't in the best condition and I was pushing him as far as he could go. I still couldn't get use to this idea of Charlie being so helpless- I couldn't bear it. These were his last moment- I had to tell him the truth. By the time the Volturi got here to kill him, he would be gone anyway.

Charlie reached for my hand again, and I responded automatically. I stared out of the window, trying to figure out something that would make him _see_… How could I ever tell him what I did? Who I was?

It seemed like fate was going to do it for me.

"Bella, honey," He muttered, now unable to take his eyes off the crescent shaped mark on the back of my hand. The indents where James' venom coated teeth had gouged into my hand were clearly visible. "What _are _you?"

After all this time changed, I still couldn't say the word. Vampire- it seemed so childish, like I was the joke of some thirteen year-old's sleepover as opposed to an ancient mythical. I opened my mouth a few times, trying to think of the best way to do this. I just ended up shutting it again. I got up and walked around to the other side of the bed, at human speed so as not to scare him again.

"Bella?" He asked again, with a little more force. He moved his head so he could follow my progress, without looking away from me for a second. In case I vanished again, presumably.

"Dad." I smiled carefully. I tried to copy Edward, focusing all the strength out of my burning amber eyes and channelling it across to him. _Be strong, Charlie._

With that final thought, I stepped into the bright autumn sun that was streaming though the window.


	3. Truth

And I couldn't cry

**Truth**

All this time changed and I still loved the feel of warm sunlight on my pale, rock hard skin. The weak rays weren't strong enough to warm through my surface, but it had an impact. Like a feather brushing lightly across my arm, or the kiss of cold wind on bare skin. I closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation for a moment.

After that, I couldn't find any more excuses to not look at Charlie.

The light which refracted off my skin was beautiful. It struck the grey strands of his hair with full force, so they shone in a dazzling shade of white. The ancient, baggy skin around his eyes stretched out in wonder and surprise whilst his weathered hands gripped the hospital sheet. The reflex action made me smile- what use was it? Still, the smile was short. It took me a moment, but I soon realised the adrenaline in his bloodstream couldn't be wasn't a reflex. He was terrified. Of his own daughter.

His whole body seemed to be shaking. His jaw shuddered up and down helplessly, and his pupils roved over every centimetre of my skin that was emanating the crystalline, ethereal light fragments. He couldn't take it in, this impossible, beautiful thing. The light seemed to avoid him too, as he shook in his gloomy hospital bed.

Then I saw myself in a small medical mirror at the opposite side of the room. There I stood- strong, tall, flawless and exuding beams of light. My father was huddled, close to pulling the cover over his eyes. He seemed smaller than ever compared to me, an everlasting, never-ending mythical. It was as if I had been sucking the life out of him all these years… and now that the time came close for him to go, I was here. Wringing out every last drop of anything, and everything, that kept him alive.

I staggered backwards out of the light, wondering what I had become.

It was then I saw he was crying. He laid back again, not even trying to cover up the sobs that seemed to be controlling him. The small beads of moisture ran in rivulets down his wrinkled face and his eyes were closed tightly. Not a sound came from his mouth, but the sobs that shook him seemed to be coming from the very centre of him- like the echo after a landslide, it just seemed to be from everything. I rushed back to his side, kneeling down and then reaching for his hand. He shook his head, and pulled it away with the little strength he had. The gesture cut me deep, but I didn't recoil from him. I leant right over the bed and took him right hand in both of mine.

"Charlie, Charlie please don't…" I stammered, but what could I ask him? Not to cry? He had every right to be terrified at what I was, repulsed by what I had become. Heck, I was ready to point out all the faults right there with him. If only he would stop crying, if only he would stop pushing needles into my heart.

My voice seemed to still him for a minute. I could almost see everything I had said so far sink in. It was too late to deny, to argue. It was too late and it was all my fault.

"How long?" Charlie demanded in a tone of voice that didn't match his expression. The sobs had stopped, but the tears still clung to his cheeks and lashes like stray snowflakes. "How long have you been… have you-"

"Since I moved out, Dad." I whispered in reply. After all this, he wanted to know whether I had been like this when I lived with him. What kind of a risk had I posed to _him _all this time?

He nodded and swallowed in one movement, his dark eyes piercing my amber irises.

"You would have made such a good Mom," He whispered to me from the dark.

All the breath in my lungs whooshed out in a second. It was like he'd physically hit me, the way that those simple words had hurt. Of course he hadn't meant to… he was grieving for the loss of any grandchildren just as much as he was sad for me. Yet as I shook at the pain, I saw those two dark haired children running off into the woods. Still away from me. Always running away.

"How did you-" I began to ask, not knowing how he could understand so quickly.

"Bella, honey." He half smiled at me, "If you never grow up, then how can something that lives in you? Plus I can't think of anything else that could stop Esme being a Mom."

Charlie took my silence as an agreement, and then began to shake his head sadly. I thought it was just because of what he'd found out, what he'd only just begun to comprehend. Then he spoke again.

"But that's not right… You do grow up. You just don't grow old." He continued, mostly to himself. "Too wise, too young," Charlie wheezed, laughing at some private joke. "That's what I always thought about Edward. Those eyes… I didn't know how close, how right I was…"

His eyes drifted closed again and my grip tightened on his hand. He'd hurt me, this man. He'd tried to get Edward out of my life. He'd said so many things that made my blood boil… But he was my dad. My Charlie. I wanted to have a say in the matter of _his _life.

There was a thought. Maybe I could have a say...

I recoiled from the notion and from him, my hand slipping out of his as it lost all feeling. Could I do that? Could I bite him, put my own dad through so much pain? On the other hand, the idea of him never leaving me, of him always being there for me seemed like a sudden and perfect solution. Why hadn't I thought of it before?

"Bella," Charlie coughed, interrupting my thoughts. "There's something else I wanted to ask you."

Maybe he had thought of it already, my thoughts whispered wildly. The second he had seen what I was- beautiful, breakable, unchanging- he had decided that he wanted to be like me. That he never wanted to die. I wasn't sure what it would do to his old age, his sickness- in all my time changed, I had never seen any rheumatic vampires. A picture of Aro flickered into my mind, his watery red eyes misting over as his life spanned across the centuries. Anything would be an improvement to his current state. Right now even breathing tired him out.

"I came to the La Push hospital for a reason," He began, not knowing that my thoughts had taken a macabre turn. "Not just because the Forks one has been no good since Dr. Cullen left- hell, the place feels like a death-trap to me ever since Harry died there. It's just, I was hoping you would do something for me. You know, an old man's final wish." Charlie wheezed, speaking more at once than I'd heard him say for the entire time here. He paused to catch his breath, but had enough energy to fix me with a pleading look and a weak, earnest smile.

"Anything, dad," I promised fervently whilst waiting for him to continue. My mind was still distracted with thoughts of a vampire Charlie. He had been reluctant to kill animals when campers were being mauled. How would be feel about having to kill to have his dinner?

"While you were down here- it's just a thought Bella, but I think it would be good for you," He mumbled. "He might notice that you don't look any different, but I was hoping…"

I nodded silently, not really noticing what he was saying.

"Hell, Bella," He said, giving up on the tact. "I want you to go see Jake."

My head froze in place, along with my expression. That name still brought back a thousand emotions and memories. How could Charlie ask me that? I could only imagine what Jacob would do if he saw me back on Quileute lands. Actually, I could only imagine what the _rest _of the wolves would do. What if Jacob's theory was right? One visit from me could cause all the teens in La Push to turn into hairy, slobbering canines… but that wasn't the main reason why I couldn't go.

"I can't, Charlie." I whispered back, knowing that he wouldn't understand.

"You _can_, Bella, you just _won't_." He argued firmly, with more force in his shaking voice than I'd heard since the first time I came in. "You know he misses you. Yeah, he might be a little… confused, to see you like this." He admitted, waving in my direction with a trembling hand. "If you explain it, he'll be just fine."

"He knows about me, Dad." I explained quietly, "It's just-"

"He knows?" Charlie asked, his voice tinged with hurt. "I thought you said it was after you left?"

"I _was_ changed after," I back-peddled quickly, "It's just I told him what was going to-"

"You told Jacob and you didn't tell your own father?" Charlie demanded, angry now. "You didn't tell me but you told the kid you punched in the face?"

I sighed. He was twisting what I was saying so it fit into his argument. I was telling him about it now, surely that was what mattered? Anyway, I could hardly drop into the conversation now that Jacob transformed into a werewolf at will…

"Dad, what does it matter anymore? I can't go to see him. He _told _me to stay away," I countered evenly. Well, I'd told Jake to tell me if he ever wanted to see me again. He'd never said anything. The same truth applied.

"Things are different now," Charlie replied eventually after a few deep breaths. "Now that Billy's gone and he's been through his third divorce… that kid can't seem to keep a woman…"

"I'd be intruding." I told my dad firmly. It wasn't the best excuse- really it wasn't even a half-decent one. Still, it was my tone that said pretty clearly I wouldn't be running down the help him with the bikes any time soon. "It wouldn't be right of me to barge in on him like that. He has a life, I have mine."

"I can see you're not going to change your mind." He sighed in reply, playing up the disappointment. A ghost of a smile played across his cracked lips, "You always were a stubborn kid." He chuckled.

I tried to laugh too, but my heart wasn't in it. For a while, I hadn't been as sure of that decision at all. Edward had tried fruitlessly to talk me out of going to see Jake, but I wouldn't give up on the idea for the longest time. At one point I had come pretty close to messing up the treaty- but I saw just in time how selfish it would be of me to do that to him. Whatever I said to contradict it, I missed him. I missed everything from his goofy grin to his big, russet brown arms that felt so safe and warm. I more than missed them, I loved them. There was something about him that had made me want to smile, all the time. Still, I had made my choice the day I said my vows to Edward, probably some time before that. I didn't _want_ all the promises I made to end with my transformation, but what could I do?

My mind played back a time when I had thought there was something I could do to keep those promises. I see now that they oaths anyway. The only things that could hurt him more than me.

_The next chapter is a flashback, to stop anyone being confused. Bella is here with Charlie about forty years after she was changed- the flashback takes place a while before this story, about ten years after she joined the Cullens. _


	4. Break Away

It was just another Sunday, the day I first saw my father cry

**Break Away**

It was just another Sunday, the first day I saw my father cry.

I don't remember waking up or making the bed or any of that crap, though I suppose I must have done it. It wasn't until I heard the raised voices downstairs I realised I was properly awake. My stomach and my head had an argument over whether I should wait out the argument before I went down for breakfast, or if I should just grab a bowl of cereal and hope I wouldn't get dragged into it. My gut won, as usual, and it made a celebratory gurgle as I thundered down the stairs.

"I'm leaving, Jake. I can't do this anymore!" Karen threw out suddenly.

I'd heard this pathetic argument a thousand times before, but never from any of dad's girlfriends that I'd actually liked. Karen had been here longer than six months and she remembered my name, so in my eyes she was a keeper. I sat down on the stairs to listen, hoping this wouldn't last too long; I was hungry enough to start on the carpet.

"I thought we were doing okay," Dad replied, stunned. Surely he must have been expecting it? He'd pushed away every woman for as long as I could remember. I thought about trying to creep back up the stairs but now I was hooked. Like I said, I liked Karen. Maybe she'd stick around long enough to make breakfast.

"How have we been okay? You've been even more distant recently. I don't think you even see me half the time." Karen sighed. I could barely hear what she was saying and could imagine her hiding behind her thick, dark hair whilst she spoke. Karen wasn't one for shouting and arguments. In fact, I couldn't imagine her in any sort of noisy situation. She was slender and bookish, not a one for parties or lots of fuss. She always listened to what I was saying, even though I was only fifteen and my dad was always telling me to shut up. What she was doing now confused the hell out of me, though. Karen didn't even sound like she was blaming him, she was just… exasperated. I would have had a full rant at him if I had half the chance. Dad had seemed even harder to talk to than usual lately. I suppose work wasn't going too great at the garage, and Quil had moved away with his wife a couple of months ago. Still, Karen's comment made me think that maybe I was missing something. Something more important that was making him depressed.

"I'm fine Karen. You don't know what you're on about." Dad growled between clenched teeth. I could imagine his knuckles going white as he grabbed onto the edge of the table, and hear the stuff on the table rattle as he shook with anger. It took so little to get him annoyed lately that it wasn't even fun. If I took it too far, his face always went white and he pegged it outside as fast as possible. The woods seemed to be his place to calm down. Looked like he'd be spending a lot of time in there after this conversation.

"You're not fine, Jake, and you won't let anyone help you." Karen replied. I could hear the sadness and the frustration in her tone. There was a second's pause as she hesitated, and then I heard her speak again.

"Well, maybe one person." She added, trying to keep her voice nonchalant. It broke somewhere between the last two words, giving away how she felt completely.

Dad noticed too, and finally snapped.

"Damn it Karen, will you give it a rest for crying out loud?" He roared, punching down on the table top in his frustration. It gave a loud creak of protest before I heard the wood splinter. "Just _leave_ her out of this and-"

"How can I when she's such a huge part of you?" Karen continued, slightly louder than she had been before. "How am I meant to get past it if you've never moved on?" Her voice sounded off, like when little kids sing to keep themselves distracted if they're scared. It was sort of high and wobbly, and though the door was closed I could see her eyes filling with tears in my mind like they did in most situations. Still, that wasn't what was worrying me- who was Karen on about? It couldn't be my mom. She'd been his first wife, proposing to her after her knocked her up but my mom had assured me that was the only reason they were together. After her, dad had never been anything close to serious with any of his girlfriends. Except Karen.

Dad had got custody of me when I was little. Mom had just wanted to get out of La Push, go somewhere sunny and far off but Dad was too stuck in his ways. We lived in the house he'd lived in with my Granddad, right near First Beach. I don't know much about him, except that he's where I got my name from. There aren't any pictures here. My dad doesn't like it when I post them up. He always tells me not to get caught up in the past. He says it just messes you up.

Hypocrite.

"I'm _not_ having this argument again, dammit." Dad shouted back in her face. I could hear her stumble away from him, grabbing things from around the room and chucking them into a holdall. "You're here, aren't you? Doesn't that mean that you mean more to me than she does?" He said with obvious effort, trying to keep him anger under wraps.

"Does it Jake?" She snorted, past the point where he could change her mind. I could see the tears dropping onto our dirt blackened carpet and sticking to the hair that was swept over her eyes. "You tell me." She mumbled, walking away from him.

The door to the hallway opened, and I moved back up a step so that I was in the shadows. Karen walked into the hall with her eyes down, trying to take our key off her key chain. Dad didn't follow her through until he heard the front door open and the cool air pushed its way into our stuffy house.

"Karen, please. We can… I can…" Dad struggled pitifully as she took the first step out of the door. She stood for a moment, waiting for him to finish his stammering. A few tries later, he just gave up and stuck his hands in his pockets. She was staring at him with the weirdest expression, like she was waiting for him to say something that would make her stop this. Something that would make her put her stuff back and keep my dad from ever being lonely again.

"I'll make pancakes?" He offered feebly, and I cringed inside for both of them. Was that the best he could do?

She closed her eyes. When they opened again, they were set resolutely at the ground, staring at his worn out slippers.

"I'm not her, so this can't work." Karen said simply, enunciating each word like she was trying to convince herself just as much as she was trying to convince him. "I'm sorry, Jake. Say goodbye to Billy for me when he wakes up."

And with that, another wife walked right out of my dad's life.

His fist struck the drywall so fast I didn't see him move his arm. I scrambled back another step as my dad fell into some sort of rage-filled fit. He was physically shaking, bucking up and down with rage and hitting everything within reach. His arm knee hit the radiator with a huge thwack sound, but he didn't even acknowledge the pain. Whatever was going on inside of him hurt much, much more. His hands clenched and his eyes were screwed up as he snarled and spat and roared in a way that made my hair stand on end…

Then, he was still.

The speed at which he'd changed was terrifying. I slowly unscrewed my eyes to see what had made him stop. I realised that he had something in his hand- the calendar that we'd gotten free from the Chinese takeout and that I'd stuck on the back of the front door. He was stroking it between his fingers, and I noticed that today's date had a thick, red ring around it.

"Happy birthday, Bells." He murmured, letting it fall from his hand as he sank to the floor.

It was then he saw me.

For a minute, he was too shocked to do anything. His dark eyes were bright with surprise, meeting mine as I watched silently from the top of the stairs. He was on the floor against the wall, almost in the exact same position as me and for a moment, just a few seconds, it was like looking into a mirror. He just looked young and lost, without a clue why the world was doing this to him.

It didn't take long for him to change.

His expression iced over, and pure fury leaked into his voice as he stood up to face me and hollered-

"Get the hell out, Billy. I don't care where you go, just _get out_."

I was shocked still for a second. The noise hit me before the words even sunk in properly. I couldn't believe this- losing one person today wasn't enough for him. I pulled my leather jacket off the banister, thankful that I'd slept in my jeans and ran through him to get to the door. I hit his shoulder as I passed and he made a move to grab me, but I was too quick. Before he had time to scream anything else I was out the door and running for the beach like a bat out of hell.

I smelt the salt in the air long before I broke through the trees to find myself on sand. The sea had an extra layer of mist clinging onto the waves and I could barely see the cliffs that were only about half a mile up the beach. It had a silent, eerie sort of beauty around it in the morning. Sometimes I'd come down here in the mornings and watch the sun tear itself from the strands of mist tying it to the horizon. It was one of my favourite things, watching the clouds sieve away the darkness and let the clear morning sky shine on through.

It wasn't one of those mornings. Typical Forks drizzle made my hair plaster against my forehead. Water dripped off the end of my nose as it landed on my face from the canopy above. I pulled the jacket around me tighter, wishing I'd brought a hoodie.

Then I smelt something that definitely wasn't seawater.

It burned my nose, and for a minute I wondered if someone was having a bonfire up the beach. I scanned the curve of the sand before remembering it was raining. Someone would have a pretty hard time getting driftwood alight in this weather. All I could see was a short figure, barely noticeable in the early mist, standing on the cliff edge.

The scent hit me again, stronger this time. It was sickly sweet as well as sharp, still clawing at my sense of smell until I wanted to push my face in the sand. I spun around trying to find the cause, but it was hopeless. The beach was empty. The water was flat for as far as I could see in this weather. The greyness seemed to have swallowed up the person on the cliff- my only link to the real world. I stood stock still, trying to find what direction it was coming from. It seemed to be getting slowly stronger, until I was sure there was someone behind me in the woods.

"Who's there?" I cried feebly into the trees. I felt a bit dumb, like I was talking to myself. I was probably imagining things. I was hungry enough to hallucinate. If I kept this up, there'd be Big Macs lurking in the bushes and jumping off of cliffs.

Then, I saw something move. A glint of white amongst the trees caught my attention. Whoever, or whatever, was there was most definitely real.

"Who is it?" I shouted, with a big more strength in my voice. Had my dad followed me down here? I hoped he wasn't here to pound on me- I hadn't shoved him _that _hard.

The person who stepped through the trees wasn't anyone I could have expected.


	5. Not Yours

Fixed

**Not Yours**

I'd never seen anything like her. The girl who stood in front of me was without a doubt the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She was short with conker brown hair, like the ones that grew on the tree out the front of my school in Autumn. Her face was just perfect- she had full, blood red lips and a tiny nose that was just the right shape. Her cheeks didn't hold any colour, though the cold of this morning should have made them a sore red like mine. Her eyes were huge pools of white, but where you expected them to be a safe shade of brown to match her hair they were a shocking liquid gold. I'd never seen anything like them.

She held my gaze, this strange girl. Somehow she seemed just as curious about me. Her thick, dark lashes brushed her cheeks a number of times, like she was trying to convince herself that she was really seeing me. In a second, she had looked at everything from my hairline to my short nails, blackened by motor oil. I felt almost embarrassed by the intensity of her gaze. I looked down at the sand for a minute and stuck my hands in my pockets, unsure what to say.

I didn't expect her to speak first- or for her to say the words that came out of her mouth.

"J-Jake?" She stammered, in a light and openly confused tone. "Is that you?"

I understood why she'd been so rapt to see me. She though my dad hadn't aged at all in the past ten years, or something just as stupid. Thinking she was a bit slow in the head, I spoke the next sentence slowly.

"No." I replied evenly, "I'm Billy. His son. I live with him." I continued, taking a fist out of my coat to wave up in the direction of the house.

A flash of realisation flitted across her face, closely followed by a spasm of something a lot like shock. She ducked her head and tried to cover it with a smile of embarrassment, but I'd already seen. While she laughed at herself, I wondered how she knew my dad. She couldn't be older than twenty- was my dad hitting on college girls now?

"I'm sorry. You look… so much like him." She told me, shaking her head as she examined me again. "It's hard to believe how much."

I scowled. I didn't like being compared to him. He didn't have any photos of himself as a teenager, so I just had to trust all my relatives and dad's old friends when they told me this. Every time I saw them.

"It's fine." I mumbled, annoyed at her. "You still haven't told me who you are, by the way."

She ducked her head again. When she resurfaced from the cover of her wet hair, I noticed that her face was still as pale as ever. The blood never reached her cheeks. There was something funny about her smile as her lips formed the next sentence.

"My name," The strange girl whispered, somehow managing to sound hesitant and forceful at the same time, "Is Bella Swan."

We started walking along the beach, away from the house. Bella had an odd look on her face. She'd been glancing at me repeatedly, looking for some sign of recognition.

"So your… dad never mentioned me?" Bella asked, peeking through the strands of her rapidly darkening hair to look at me as we walked.

"Not that I can remember. He doesn't talk about the past much." I told her, trying to make her feel a bit better. She seemed to think that she'd been a pretty big part of my dad's life somehow. Perhaps it was better that I let her down easy.

Bella just nodded, her golden irises settling on the shifting waves. The silence between us was easy, despite all the questions I wanted to ask her. She obviously wasn't from around here, but the rain didn't seem to bother her like it would most girls. For the first time, I checked out her outfit. She was just wearing a navy raincoat, one of the cheap ones you could buy in outdoors shop in town. Her jeans looked too clean to be casual and her boots didn't look like they were used to the wet. Definitely not from around here.

"So how do you know him? My dad?" I tried, pulling her away from whatever thoughts were troubling her. "You don't look old enough to have gone to school with him or anything."

She didn't seem to hear me. Either that or she really didn't want to answer. She closed her eyes for a long time but didn't stumble once on the wet clumps of sand that littered the edge of the water. I waited a bit longer. When she didn't say anything, I sighed and stuck my hands further in my pockets. When it came to questions, she was as bad as dad.

"Billy," She said, opening her eyes quickly only to stare straight ahead.

"Yep?" I replied, giving her a sidelong glance. Her face was still deathly pale and the muscles in her jaw were tight. I wondered what was giving her such a brain haemorrhage, but her question kind of gave it away.

"What's your mother's name?" She asked so fast I almost missed what she'd said. "I know you've never met me before and it might seem really weird that I'm here but…"

I cut off her babbling the second I opened my mouth to speak. Her golden eyes were wide and waiting, her lips were pursed and hesitant. I was beginning to think that there was more to this question than she was letting on.

"Her name's Leah. It used to be Clearwater, but it's Chaine now. She knew my dad when they were growing up. She was going to go to college, but then they found she was pregnant." I swallowed, not sure why I was telling so much private stuff to this odd girl with honeycomb eyes. "My mom always makes it sound like that's the only reason they got married. It didn't even last six months."

I'd never told anyone this before. It wasn't the sort of thing you said to your mates at school and my parents never wanted to talk about it. I had to look down, hoping that the rain would cover the stupid tears that were growing at the bottom of my eyes.

"He's been through enough girlfriends, but they all say the same thing when they leave." I continued, my voice beginning to shake. "I'm not her, I'm not her… I never get who they're on about. He never even loved my mom, not really."

Bella just nodded, giving nothing away. We kept on walking in silence, the rain the only sound passing between us. I wanted to ask her more, but I didn't want to sound too keen. If I had any sense, I'd just walk in the opposite direction. Why did I have to answer to her anyway?

"How old are you?" She threw out suddenly, looking round at me so fast I didn't see her head move. The speed threw me, so I spoke without another thought.

"Fifteen." I said. A spasm of pain flickered across her face so fast that I wasn't really sure that it'd happened. Her face was perfectly neutral for a second, but then she ruined it by biting her bottom lip with worry.

We stopped walking and just faced out to sea now. The mist was beginning to recede into the ocean; the cliffs were clear and looming. Bella looked like she was going to say something, but her mouth just opened and closed. She rubbed her arms like she was cold and I automatically moved a step closer. I never really felt the cold and was thinking about offering her my jacket when she suddenly stepped under my arm.

She was shaking slightly. I expected her to be frail and light, but all I felt under my arm was solid rock. She suddenly leant her head sideways so it rested on my shoulder and it just felt _right_. The smell was overpowering now. The burning was still there but I realised I was getting used to it. The sweet was beginning to overpower the sharp as I breathed in the scent from her chestnut hair.

Bella turned her head away from the morning horizon on which pinks and blues were beginning to mix like a second grader's paint palette. Her eyes were questioning when they met mine and without thinking I leant towards her.

Our lips only met for a second, but hers were icy sweet. I had never done this before, randomly kissing a girl I'd just met. I expected her to pull away instantly. Her lips did nothing and her expression stayed blank. It wasn't until I closed my eyes and reached my hand up so that my fingers were entwined through her hair that she kissed me back. She seemed to be saying something with her movements but it was a language I didn't speak. Her lips were hard and strong where mine were hesitant; her touch was greedy where mine was unsure. My shock soon turned to pleasure as I tried to put my hand around her waist. All too soon, it was over. She was suddenly a few steps away from me, breathing deeply.

I was dazed. I grinned like an idiot until she turned and gave me a look that was so full of poison the expression slid off my face with the rain. It took me a few attempts, but eventually my features reached apologetic.

"I'm sorry, Bella," I tried, moving closer so I could see her eyes. They were staring off into the horizon again. She sighed deeply, but suddenly a half-smile illuminated her tired features.

"No you're not," She breathed, more to the ocean than to me.

"I know, but it was worth it." I joked, trying to get her to laugh. It worked, but only for a second. She twirled to face me, but when her eyes settled on me the laugh died. I knew who she was expecting to be there.

This time it was me who turned away.

I felt her move rather than seeing it. I realised she was trying to give me something and turned to find an envelope in her hand. I reached out to take it but she jerked it away from me, like she hadn't quite decided whether she should be giving it at all. Her other hand fidgeted around her wrist for a second, and then the letter was in my hand. I checked the front. It had one word scrawled in messy black ink in the centre.

"Jacob," Bella whispered at the same time as the letters pierced me somewhere in my chest.

With an air of finality, she took a step back but I wasn't letting her get away that easily. I grabbed her anorak glad arm to stop her, but she pulled it effortlessly from my grasp as if I was no stronger than a child.

"It was nice meeting you, Billy." She hinted, refusing to look at me. I opened my mouth, there was still so much to say- but before I could get a word out she was shaking her head.

"Just give it to him, please." Bella begged, her eyes liquid gold. For a second, I was dazzled by the sheer of her beauty- and that was all it took. I blinked and she was gone. I was sure I had imagined her until I clenched my fist and felt the smooth, cool paper in it. There was something else, too. Something small and hard in there. I didn't let myself care- Bella had only been here to see _him_. This had nothing to do with me.

By the time I got back to the house, the rain had stopped. The front door was still open, but the hall was empty. The mat was wet where the rain had gotten in. I stepped over it and threw my wet jacket on the floor, moving into the living room.

My dad was leant against the far wall, holding the calendar to his chest like a trophy. When he heard the door open, he looked up. He scowled as soon as he realised it was me and threw the calendar carelessly across the room.

"What do you want?" He muttered, closing his eyes and breathing through his nose.

"I live here, don't I?" I replied, stung by anger. All I did was walk in the door, what was with him?

He snorted, muttering something I didn't quite hear. His eyes opened into slits, suddenly focused on the envelope in my hand.

"What's that?" He demanded, "Who gave you that?"

I didn't say anything, just shrugged and stared at him. He stood up to his full height and walked across the room so that he was right in front of me. He opened his mouth again and then flinched, like I'd hit him. I realised that some of the scent must have rubbed off on me. I recognised the reaction; it was exactly what I'd done on the beach minutes before. I just didn't recognise what came next.

The smell must have meant something to him. He snatched the envelope from my hands and retreated a few steps, so he was in the light of the window. His hands trembled as his eyes flickered across the single word emblazoned across the front.

"Jacob." My dad muttered, like it was a different person he was speaking of.

The envelope opened so fast I didn't see him tear out the letter. Something else fell out, small with a glint of silver. Dad didn't even look at it. He was too busy unfolding the folded piece of paper that had been inside.

His face blanched as the words travelled from the paper to his mind. I imagined her earnest voice tormenting him, whispering things to him that I couldn't hear.

The paper seemed to float away from him as he dropped to the floor. For a second, I thought he had collapsed and I cried out. He didn't even look up. He was too busy scrabbling across the floor, desperately searching for something with clawed hands.

He picked up the thing and dropped the thing into his palm. With a moan of pain, he cupped his other hand around it so it lay in the middle. I stared at the bit of wood in his hand- it seemed to be a charm, the exact shade of dad's skin, carved into the shape of a tiny, roaring wolf. I recognised the handiwork, dad had tried to teach me how to whittle a few times. He cupped the little charm in the palm of his hand like it was the most precious thing in the world.

It was then I realised he was shaking. I took a step back, waiting for him to run for the door and disappear into the woods. Instead, he stayed put. He stroked the little wolf with his huge, grown up hands and shook like it was uncontrollable. Like he had no control over this physical action that almost caused him to drop the little wooden wolf and fall into the foetal position.

The paper was only a foot away from me, writing side up. I turned my head slightly so I could read the short message scrawled with messy black ink. I couldn't stop myself reading the words that had torn my dad in two.

'_**Jake,**_

_**You have to let me go. I know it hurts. It still hurts me, Jake, it does- but I can live with that. I just can't live with you doing the same.**_

_**I'm not coming back again. It was wrong for me to be here, to do this… Us seeing each other would be a bad idea. I'm done hurting you. It's not fair on anyone. **_

_**Be strong- if not for me, then for your son.**_

_**Yours**____**Love**__** Bella'**_

He let out another low moan and shut his eyes, his head dropping into his hands. It wasn't until then that I noticed the small, silver beads collecting in his palms, drowning that little wolf alive.


	6. The Light

Fixed

**The Light**

For the first time since I had been changed, time was moving too fast. Every second we said nothing and just held each was becoming the last in my mind. Whenever he took another breath, I would squeeze his hand and wait for a response. That cruel, tortuous second it took him to tighten his fingers around mine ripped away another piece if my heart.

I just repeated my mantra- this couldn't be the last time, this shouldn't be the last time, this couldn't be the last time…

Terrible thoughts kept creeping in my mind's back door. Had there been any way to stop? Would he have lived longer if he'd have had grandkids to stick around for? Would he be back at home, fit as a fiddle, if I hadn't stressed him out so much about Jake? Did all those years when I didn't keep in touch… did they turn him into this sunken, emaciated creature? They chased each other round my mind, fighting for my full attention when there were no answers. I couldn't tear my eyes away from my dad, laid there so quietly. Where were the sparkling eyes? The roguish grin and the thick dark hair around his temples? Where was my dad, living for fry-ups and fishing and football? Where was Charlie?

"Bells," He wheezed. "You're here."

I nodded, and then remembered that his eyes were closed. My throat closed up with the pressure and I had to clear it a few times to get it to work.

"I wouldn't be anywhere else, Dad." I promised, choking up. My eyes stayed dry as a bone as the rest of me fell to pieces.

I tried to keep all irrelevant thoughts out of my mind. That included ones about the faint scent of his blood that sometimes wafted into my conscious. The very idea of doing such a thing to him, of pushing the sharp strips of bones exuding from my mouth into his pale, ancient skin made my mind cower in disgust. To my body, it seemed perfectly acceptable that I could drink what was left of my father huddled, almost cowering, away from me. I felt so sick and so hungry all at once, like there were two parts of me, both despising the other in my mind. I had not breathed for a long time. It made it slightly easier, but compared to most of the Cullens I was still new at this resisting game.

"Bells," Charlie muttered again, sounding more urgent now.

"I'm still here, still here." I reassured him, trying to keep the shake out of my voice.

He waved a gnarled hand impatiently, deformed after too many years of curling it around a fishing pole.

"I know that," He coughed quickly, trying to find the energy to open his eyes. "I've been thinking about what you said before."

I froze completely. Had he really been listening to me when I suggested he joined me and the Cullens? For a moment, there was a way out from all of this. My grief flew from my mouth as a gasp and evaporated as I leant in closer to him. The lines of worry were gone from my face and I could almost feel myself glowing again. He could stay with me. I would never have to think about a world without him. Somehow he would fit in with the Cullens, our lifetime spent indoors and in the dark. He would cope with out diet, our inability to settle down in any one place for a decent length of time. He could get used to not making human friends, to not being part of the community. I knew my dad, but if I only knew one thing it was that people (and vampires, as it usually was in my case) could _change_.

My golden eyes shone with hope, ready to be dashed.

"It's my time, Bells." He breathed. "I would only hold you back."

I couldn't have been in more pain. Everything behind my navel swirled into a black hole and sucked my emotions in, leaving raw bleeding wounds behind. For one dazzling, beautiful moment I had thought that he wouldn't have to leave me anymore. What are we meant to do without our parents? Who will teach us, pick up the pieces when we make mistakes? I hadn't spoken to Charlie for too long, but I had always known that he was somewhere, safe. That had been enough, until now. I started breathing again, just so that I could cough out the sobs that were smacking against whatever was left of my heart, again and again.

"You could stay with me," I whispered, dry eyed. "But you won't. Don't you love me enough to do this?"

"You know it would never work, Bella." Charlie reminded me slowly. "How could I live forever with _him _there all the time? It would drive all of us mad."

I blanched, suddenly realising what he meant.

"I-if I left him." I asked, dreading the possible answers he could give me. "Would you stay?"

Blank, staring eyes stayed settled on a worn patch on the ceiling. I refused to call them _his_ eyes. Whatever had been left of Charlie was most definitely gone now.

It was so easy to believe that he could be watching me, right now. Sat on some puffy cloud, like the ones in summer skies drawn by children. I would have loved to think that he could see me, still here with him. Or what had been him.

I wasn't a child anymore, though. I had seen death, I had felt its clammy, foreboding hand on my shoulder in those days of relentless pain. I knew that death meant never feeling again, it meant always being in the dark. For those hours I had screamed and cried through the pain I had welcomed such a thought. For Charlie, I couldn't imagine anything worse.

_Go into the light, _they always say. But there is no light. It is the end, pure and simple.

I put my fingers on his eyelids, covering up the empty irises that stared from beyond the grave and pulling the empty eyes closed.

I knew I couldn't live without Edward. I had tested that theory once, and the results hadn't been pleasant. I wondered if my father's life depended on it… I could make it through the pain that was leaving him and live for Charlie.

I stared down at my father, and wondered what kind of sick, worthless excuse for a daughter I was.

I already knew the answer to what he would ask me to do. I could never live without Edward. A life without Charlie seemed impossible, ludicrous… but I could see it. I could see myself living through it. Another break from Edward would leave me shattered, mangled beyond repair. A life without him was no life at all. If Charlie asked me to leave Edward, what would be left of me to live on with him?

He opened his eyes a chink, before he sighed deeply. I knew he had seen it too, this idea of an endless life. So much hung on this one decision. Charlie had imagined it all, but unlike me he had some choice when it came to his soul.

"I couldn't ask you to do that, we both know it." He muttered gruffly. "Besides, Bells, I know it sounds corny but… I want to see Billy and Harry again. I want to see my parents. It's time for me to go on, I've known it for a while now, hon."

His sudden wisdom amazed me. I was struck dumb for a minute by his rock solid beliefs that he would see them all again, that death held something in its beckoning fingers for him. I gripped him hand tight, too tight, as I wondered whether to tell him the truth. There _was _nothing. He could stay with me and never have to be part of the darkness. Couldn't he see that?

"You don't have to be scared, Bella." He half-smiled, misunderstanding my sudden decision to squish the blood out of his hand. "I love you."

My eyes closed for an immeasurable second as I made the final choice. My father or my lover? My heart or my soul?

When I opened my eyes, my decision had already been made.


	7. Visitors

Visitors

**Visitors**

This couldn't be the last time, this wouldn't be the last time…

This shouldn't be the last time.

"Charlie?" I finally managed to say. My breathing started going into overdrive as the silence stretched out for minutes. The longest minutes of my drawn-out life. The silence in the room was deafening, throbbing painfully in my ears. I finally noticed why- the weak heartbeat emanating from his chest was gone. His ribcage had stopped shifting up and down with the pattern of his awkward breathing. Even the corner of his mouth had gone slack. Just like it used too when he was so into a game on TV that he forgot to blink, I thought irrationally.

"Charlie…" I repeated. Nothing happened. "Charlie?!" I screamed, losing any composure I might have been hanging onto. A low, groaning sound started to fill the room and I realised that it was me who was causing the chair to shake and rattle. It flew to the other side of the room and the plastic all down the back of it snapped as I fell onto my knees. Jerkily, I pulled his hand into mine as I mumbled his name. He slid down the pillow slightly towards me, never focusing. His hand felt unusually clammy but I hung onto it like it was a lifeline, our final connection. No matter how many times I shouted, his eyes stayed empty.

He was g-

"No!" I whispered, the sound steadily getting louder as I pushed my head into the bed covers to stop the word from being said. The thin hospital light casting shadows across his vacant face made it all too real. This was just a daydream turned bad, like all the ones I'd been having now that sleep couldn't haunt me. "No, no, no, no…" I muttered as I tried to make this stop, to make time turn back. To make the impossible possible.

Yet here I sat, with dry cheeks and dry eyes. I would never speak to Charlie again, never nag him about what he ate or listen to him talk about his boring days at work. My last words to him were done. 'I love you,' he had said, 'Goodbye'… but what did I do? I closed my eyes. I looked away. I wanted to crawl up next to him, to close my eyes and follow him into his stupor. I wanted to follow him and tell him that I loved him, one last time. The unfairness of it all was crushing me, pushing down on me until I wanted to cry out with pain…

Behind me, I felt the cool air on my back. It was the draught from the door opening. I heard to faint resistance from the metal hinges and the shudder of the wood as it scraped along the floor long before I heard the voice of the nurse poking his head around the door.

"I'm sorry. We tried to make him as comfortable as possible," He offered, his words as smooth and slick in my mind as the oil he'd used to keep the hair off his face. It surprised me for some reason. My dad had left me and still people did their jobs. Still put on deodorant and put on hair gel. I could hear someone on the phone outside talking about the weather. I could smell someone down the hall taking a shower. The rest of the world kept on ticking, even though mine had shuddered to a halt. No one else knew that this man who had taught me to ride my first bike and gave me chocolate ice cream when I fell over was dead. What was worse, so one cared. They carried on. My heart had frozen over and they carried on.

I just shook my head in reply to the nurse, unable to turn to face him. I was so numb, so adrift… I couldn't deal with anything else. He nodded, silently understanding what I couldn't say.

"I'll leave you alone for a while," He murmured sympathetically, "But things will need to be sorted out, Ms…?"

"Cull- Swan." I muttered, before I changed my mind. Cullen might set alarm bells ringing on the reservation. "Bella Swan. I'm his daughter." I finished awkwardly. My voice sounded slightly slurred, even to me, as I tried to cover up the shake that had entered it. My hands were buried in the bedclothes, where even I could hardly see them tremble.

The door gave a metallic click as it closed behind him.

I couldn't cry. Not a single tear. Never before had I missed this simple way to show what I felt, but now I craved the release. To be able to leak out some of this grief, remorse, anger, despair and a million other emotions bottling up inside me would be bliss. Instead, they sat in my stomach and writhed. I wanted to curl up and hold all the pieces of myself together, but I would rather join Charlie than leave his side.

I held my father's hand as it lost all grip and turned cool to match my icy skin. I ran my fingers over his closed eyes a dozen times as it finally sunk in. There was no changing this. Now our silent hearts were still, together- but I was still here to live and breathe and think. I thought of him alone, in the dark and I had to gasp at the pain it caused. It felt like I was being folded in half again and again until I was small enough to be crumpled to dust. The last of the colour in his cheeks began to fade away until soon enough his pallor matched mine exactly.

I had wanted him to become one of us, and now had. Now his chest was as silent, his skin was as cold…

Somehow, a little part of me was able to think of Edward. I tried not to think about what kind of person that made me. I would fall into his sturdy, waiting arms and scream at the unfairness. Here, in the silent hospital room, it seemed wrong to shout. There was no-one else here to witness it. I wanted Charlie to be quiet, at rest… but at the same time I wanted to pull him into a sitting position and shake some life into him. I wanted Charlie here. I wanted to cry. I wanted Edward. The dry sobs wracking my body seemed childish, ineffectual. Did any of it really help? Any way that I mourned, Charlie would still be… I couldn't think it. I knew that it would finish me.

I simply lay my hand of his cheek and felt the last of the warmth leak away.

Too soon, I heard the door open behind me. The dry sobs that had been tearing through me had run their course. I was just sat in the midst of the silence, like a boat with the bobbing on the waves that hit the sides. I closed my eyes and thought about every moment we'd spent together, as I held his hand. How he'd taught me to ride a bike and cook a fry up. How he'd taken me fishing and driven me into Forks with the flashing blue lights going on his cruiser. I revisited them all, good and bad, because in all of them, he was there. He was in all of them, even when I was embarrassed or angry or upset. And that was enough.

"Does this have to be now?" I asked quietly, making myself turn away from Charlie with a lot of effort.

It wasn't the helpful nurse that had been there before.

"Hey, Vampire girl." Paul smirked coldly, not looking a day older than when I'd last met him. Jared stood silently with his arms crossed at his side.

It was getting harder to feel with the numbness enveloping everything. Colours were beginning to blur into each other and the light seemed off key… it was hard to describe how the world was falling to pieces. Still, the complete surprise threw me for a moment. The world shifted a little as I blinked and tried to focus on the two familiar faces.

"Paul? Jared?" I asked, sounding seventeen all over again. "I'm sorry, you're too late. He's…"

"We know." Jared offered, refusing to look at the bed. "We came to see you."

My mind took a step back as the confusion took over. What could they possibly want with me, as I sat here with what was left of my father?

"You've broken the treaty, Bella." Paul barked harshly as he saw my expression turn blank. "You were never meant to come back, that's what was agreed."

I couldn't be sick, my system didn't work like that anymore. That didn't stop the venom rising up, acidic on the cool skin of my throat. I felt sick, physically sick as I realised what he was saying.

They had waited for Charlie to die, and then come to chase me off.

I put my hand over my mouth for a second and leant forward. I had the strangest urge to cover Charlie's ears, to stop him from hearing the terrible things the Quileute boys were muttering.

"So kill me." I whispered, my voice carrying as much venom as my mouth. "Charlie's dead, that's one less bloodsucker sympathiser down. How many more to go?"

Jared had the courtesy to flinch, but Paul could give out as much as he take.

"How close were you to biting him when he lay on his death bed? In fact, is that the reason he went so qui-"

A feline growl hit the walls as it flew from my chest. In one smooth movement I was crouched in front of Paul, teeth bared. Jared moved in my path to stop me from jumping the heartless, filthy dog.

"Dammit, Paul!" Jared roared whilst he struggled to pull me away from him, "This isn't the way to do this! You can't say things like that and expect her to take it! Charlie is dea-"

"Jacob took it." Paul said slowly, staring straight into my coal black eyes as he enunciated every word. "Jake took everything she ever dished out and look what it did to him."

I dropped my gaze to the floor and backed away from them both. How many pieces could I be torn into before I couldn't pull myself together again? Everyone in this rainy, God-forsaken hole hated me. For some reason, I thought an old man's suffering might make a difference to what the wolves would do.

"I'm sorry Bella, but he's right." Jared agreed. He was gasping, almost out of breath from the effort it took not to phase. "You weren't even meant to get as far as the hospital. Orders from above."

What did that mean? Had Sam told the guys to stop me? Or maybe it was the true Alpha who was running the pack now. My face returned to the bed. Who would deny me the last few minutes I had on earth with Charlie?

Paul coughed loudly whilst Jared took a step forward to lead me away from the silent hospital bed. Like a child, I let them decide what was best for me. I ignored how Jared flinched at my touch. I ignored Paul's supposedly innocuous mutterings. I stared at Charlie, getting this last image of my dad into my head. I didn't want to remember him in this way, but I didn't want to forget the time we'd spent here.

_You would have made such a great mom._

_I love you…_

And then I was in the busy hospital corridor. People overtook and sidestepped our slow little group as we marched our way to the doors. I thought I saw the nurse from before open his mouth, but Jared said something quickly and he hurried away. Other arrangements would have to be made, by people who knew nothing of my dad. I would never see their handiwork- Dad wanted to be buried in Forks cemetery. No guessing what Sam would say about my wish to be at the funeral.

Finally, we were outdoors. The thin shafts of sunlight had slid from the skies onto the surface of the puddles, reflecting the unwelcome grey clouds so that I could see them from every angle. I gave up trying to do anything except put one foot in front of the other, again and again.

We came to a stop.

"Be out of here by sundown." Paul threatened quietly. "After that, we're not responsible for what happens."

I felt Jared slip something small and box shaped into my jeans pocket and give it a pat.

"We were meant to do it, but I think… I think it's your job." He whispered, to close to my ear for comfort. Even his breath was too hot as it ticked the spot where my earlobe joined to my skull. I tried to nod, and after a few attempts I succeeded.

With a last glare from Paul, they disappeared from the trees.

I stroked the object in my pocket slowly, realising what it was Jared had asked me to do.


	8. Memories

nn

**Memories**

It looked the same as ever. Not any smaller, definitely not any bigger. The house where I had spent almost every summer since I could remember had not changed at all since I had gone. The same old police car sat out front, the same bushes fought each other for the most growing space across the front step. The door was still a washed out shade of grey and through the window on the second floor, I could see the light fitting of my old room dangling forlornly.

It was like I'd never been gone.

I walked at human speed to the front door, still unsure whether or not I should go in. What Jared had asked me to do could be done from out here. I didn't need to go in, to rake up all those old memories. It would just mean more pain, on top of the abnormally large amount I'd already been served today.

Still, this was the last time I would ever walk through this front door. I'd thought that once before, when I'd packed a bag and run away with Edward. I'd told Charlie dutifully that I was off to the college of Alaska, that I would see him come Christmas.

I'd told him not to worry, and he'd worried himself twelve feet under.

My decision made, I took the spare key from under the eave and opened up the door to the past.

The smell hit me instantly, like a slap on the nose. I still couldn't get used to my over-endowed senses. I could discern a few scents that I didn't want to underneath the first; the smell of weak, elderly humans; of burnt food encrusted onto kitchenware that is used in turn to burn other food; sweat and air freshener in equal parts, a hellish mix.

I stopped breathing for a while as I walked around our old living room. I trailed my fingers lightly along the back of the sofa where the leather was cold and sticky. I flicked on the television a moment and watched the tiny sports figures run around aimlessly after balls and sticks and other tiny players. I smiled briefly.

Then I threw the remote so hard at the screen that the glass splintered off to the other side of the room.

The wires crackled angrily in protest until I ran across and flicked it off at the plug. What the hell had possessed me to do that? The anger had come so quickly, making me hate all the time he had spent in front of that stupid little box. All the seconds piling up into hours and days that he could have spent differently, we could have spent differently…

The smell hit me again, and I realised that my anger had made me start breathing again.

I began to pick up all the little pieces of glass and plastic before giving it up for a bad job. I let the little crystalline pieces fall from my hand in a rainbow of sparkling colours…

_The light which refracted off my skin was beautiful. It struck the grey strands of his hair with full force, so they shone in a dazzling shade of white…_

I shook my head to dispel the thoughts. I would have to deal with the sooner or later, I knew. I decided quickly that it should definitely be later.

My eyes were still focused of the little pile of glinting glass when I realised that there was mess all over the floor. Charlie was never a particularly tidy person, but he generally cleaned up after himself eventually. There were huge pieces of shredded paper, upside photographs, the glass I had added, a lot of rips in the carpet…

It was then I saw the huge claw mark across the wall over the mantelpiece.

I had already guessed that a wolf or two had been here in my absence, but what reason would they have to trash the place? It wasn't until I picked up the photos that I realised that they had a very good reason to indeed.

My face was crossed out in black marker pen on every single one.

All my school photos were marred with scribbles over my eyes, lips, and nose. I dropped them back to the floor calmly. Charlie would never have let Jake in to do this. I could imagine him in a rage, circling the room slowly with all my eyes from first grade watching his every step. I could see him burst across the room, suddenly a huge pile of fur, and bat everything off the shelf with a single paw.

It killed me to think that he was still hurting after all this time.

I picked up the picture of me, Charlie and Renée at the hospital just after I'd been born. I could see a dot where he'd pressed the pen down, and then stopped. My purplish newborn face was untouched. I wondered if he knew I'd be back for it someday.

I slipped it into my pocket along with my parents yellowing wedding photo, and then pulled out Jared's parting gift.

The matchbox felt cool and rough in my hand where the sandpaper rested on my palm. With shaking fingers, I pulled out a single wooden stick and struck it along the side of the box.

The tiny, flickering flame reflected in my amber eyes and brought a strange peace with it.

I breathed in one last time, trying to make out the smell of home under thick glutinous reek of gasoline. I could see it in puddles on the floor and pooling on the top of the leather sofa, making it cool and sticky. I knew Jared and Paul must have done this before they went to the hospital, ready to chase me off and then frame me.

In the end they went one better. They got me to do it for real.

My shaking fingers parted and let the flame slip between my icy fingers…


	9. Choices

"Bella," A voice mingled with fury and worry in equal parts called

**Choices**

"Bella," A voice mingled with fury and worry in equal parts called. "What on earth are you doing?"

I spun around to the sound, but by the time I had he was already in front of me. He caught the match effortlessly and extinguished it between his perfectly manicured fingers.

"Edward." I gasped, putting my arms around his neck and leaning into his marble chest. It was so good to see him here, now. I could hardly remember why I'd asked him not to come. The darkness that had been building up inside of me dissipated as he held me in his arms. Still, I didn't want to look into his eyes just yet… mine were hopelessly easy to read. They could give more answers to his initial question than I ever wanted his to know.

I could almost hear his thoughts as he looked around the ruined living room. It seemed empty and wrong without Charlie burning a hole in the couch. With one swift movement he picked me up, cradling me with both arms, and flew off up the stairs to my room. He settled me on the bed without a word, then knelt down in front of me.

"Bella," He said again through pressed lips, lifting up my chin so I had to look into his angry, worried eyes. "Tell me why you were going to do this."

"The wolves…" I began evenly, pulling my face out of his grasp so I could look at the floor again. "Jared gave me-"

"I know what he did, I was there." Edward told me impatiently. "Why did you agree to it? This was your home for so long, it has so many memories of you and Charlie… How could you destroy that?"

I sucked in a breath of air sharply and tried to tune out his perfect voice. I knew what I had to say. I even think part of him knew what I had to say. It would just make it too real, to do it.

"This is upsetting you, I want to help." He told me slowly. I could hear the worry in his voice. He was waiting for the wailing, the breakdown he had seen when I had turned down Jake, when I told Charlie and Renée I couldn't see them anymore, when he left me... Then again he had just watched me try to set a house on fire. With me still inside. I guess what he'd said meant he'd seen everything at the hospital. I wondered how I'd ever thought he'd leave me to do this by myself. I could have walked right by his silver Volvo in that parking lot and not seen him at all. Perhaps if I'd looked out of the hospital window, I would have seen Edward watching Charlie die.

What mattered was that he was here now. His ancient, golden eyes watched my heart break again.

"Bella, you're scaring me, please." Edward begged. The action was so glorious, his butterscotch irises stunning me through his thick eyelashes, that for a moment I didn't comprehend what he was saying. I realised that I hadn't spoken for several minutes.

"The wolves knew that while the house is here, there's a risk I'll come back and break the treaty." I explained, though he'd know this already from Paul and Jared's thoughts. Still, it was easier to tell him this than to answer his first question. "They thought that it might as well be me who lit the match. They were going to frame me for it, whatever happened." Through the fog that was my mind, I somehow managed to make the last part sound indignant.

It didn't have the desired effect. Edward didn't give the tiniest smile. Yet even angry, he was the most beautiful thing I could imagine.

"What I meant was," He asked quietly, "Why did you have to be inside the house when it was destroyed?"

I closed my eyes for the longest time. When I opened them, they were still dry. No tear escaped as I whispered.

"Because I'll never see Charlie again."

Edward nodded slowly, pulling me into the heavenly circle that was his strong, protecting arms. I curled up, so that I was hugging my knees whilst I shook with useless, dry sobs that hurt me so much. I tugged at his shirt uselessly, trying to bury myself in every part of him I could touch.

"I asked him… I asked him to become one of us." I confessed, keeping my eyes down so I couldn't see his expression.

Edward froze for a second, his arms gripped almost painfully around me. Then I heard him breathe out, trying to find something to say.

"You could have done that?" He murmured softly in the hollow of my ear.

I shivered involuntarily, remembering my own transformation. I pulled myself closer to him and stretched my face up hungrily. The kiss we shared was short, but it helped take away the thoughts of Charlie feeling such pain for so long...

"I don't know," I sighed, settling back into his embrace. "If it would have kept him with me, maybe."

We were silent for a long time after that. My mind drifted back over all the time we had spent here, huddled together in this little room. I looked over at the dusty computer, untouched by Charlie, and thought of my search for vampires. The books on the shelf; _Wuthering Heights, Mansfield Park, Romeo and Juliet- _each held a little part of our story within them, too.

Eventually the sky outside darkened, with purples and pinks emanating from the horizon as they celebrated the end of another day. Another Twilight- though this one could have a very sinister end.

"We should leave," Edward said, half asking me and half reminding. I nodded, but made no effort to worm out of his embrace. Eventually he slid me off his knee so that I had to stand behind him.

"Do you want to take anything from here?" He asked quickly, not meeting my eyes. Anything that stopped me being so tied to Forks was a good thing. I nodded, taking the books from the shelf and the picture of me and my parents from my bedside table. I dropped them into a rucksack Charlie had bought me that hung by the door and let him lead me outside.

I took the matches from my pocket again and tried to strike one as Edward pulled me outside. My hands shook like leaves and I kept dropping the tiny pieces of wood. I tried striking three at a time, mumbling about why they had to be so small.

His perfect face was clouded by indecision. Each time I lit a match, his brow furrowed over. It straightened out the second I dropped the damn thing, until I reached for the next one.

"You know you don't have to do this, Bella." Edward sighed, obviously perplexed. He stopped me still with his questioning gaze and took the box of matches from my hands. "The wolves can't make you; this was your home."

"_Was _being the operative word, Edward." I muttered, trying to snatch the box back., He just whisked them out of my reach like I was a five year old. "Just give me the damn matches." I growled.

"Not until you tell me why this has to be done." He asked articulately, "All your memories with Charlie are here, some of my favourite memories with you are here. Why would you want to destroy all that on Jacob Black's say so?"

My arms dropped at the mention of Jake's name. All the fight went out of me as all the strength went from my usually infallible legs. I landed lightly on the porch step, with a little help from Edward. His strong, steely hands gripped my upper arm guided me to the ground and he repeated my name, once, twice, like a dog bark. Or a wolf's…

I closed my eyes and spoke out in a rush.

"If it's here, I'll come back." I explained slowly, wishing for him to understand straightaway. "I can't keep myself tied to Forks like this. It's bad for me. It's bad for everyone."

I opened my eyes the tiniest bit to see if Edward understood who I meant by 'everyone'. The look on his face told me I didn't need to repeat it.

"You still… still think of him?" Edward asked, stammering over the words he found so hard to say. I closed my eyes tightly again, refusing to see what this was doing to him.

"Only when I'm here." I reassured him quickly, but I could tell he thought I was lying. "That's why this has to be done." I chided, hoping that now he would see all this from my point of view.

I heard the harsh crackle of the match as it lit, spitting and hissing its way into the world. The little ball of flame-hate felt strangely warm as it licked against my icy skin, so much so that I didn't want to let it go. My perfect senses let me throw it through the open door and land it exactly on the gasoline covered couch, even with my eyes closed. I felt Edward slip his hand into mine and start to lead me away. I had lost so much today. Keeping my eyes closed made it so much easier to imagine that this was all a dream…

It was then I felt the teardrop on my cheek.

I gasped, loud and theatrically enough for Edward to turn. With a triumphant look, I slid the tiny bead of moisture onto my finger and lifted it to show him. I somehow managed to sob and laugh at the same time, the emotions fighting for control of me. I had no idea what this meant, but if it meant that I could cry again… then surely it could only be good things?

He examined the droplet for a moment, leaning in, and then he moved so fast that I barely registered what he was doing. Suddenly the finger I had been holding aloft was settled between his marble lips.

He sucked on it slowly for a moment, before he took it from his mouth and let go. My hand fluttered back down to my side. I tried to get him to speak, to tell me what this meant but he simply placed an icy finger to my lips to silence me. His bronze hair had fallen forward, masking his eyes. He moved a step closer with his head bent, as if he were about to kiss me…

Instead he traced my jaw line with one finger and lifted my chin, so that I was gazing into the zenith of rain clouds above us.

At least the heavens cried as my father died again.

-x-

_The next (and final) chapter is set about a week after this, just to stop anyone from being too confused about the time span. All reviews/ comments/ typo enlightenments are greatly appreciated!_


	10. Too Many Goodbyes

Too Many Goodbyes

**Too Many Goodbyes**

I anticipated the infamous Forks rain and brought a waterproof. I pulled the dark hood up over my head and pulled the elastic tight as I made my way through the drizzle, though wet hair was the least of my worries.

An angel shone through the impenetrable fog, a small reminder of goodness in the world. Unfortunately I hadn't been seeing much of that lately. His hand slipped out of his matching jacket and it wasn't until his cool fingers interlocked with mine and guided me forwards that I realised I'd stopped walking.

"Not much further, Bella." Edward told me quietly, pulling gently on my hand as he helped me onwards.

As we neared our destination, the urge to curl up in the puddles at the side of the road and close my eyes, to block everything out… grew unbearably strong. I wanted to hit something, which was an urge which surprised me. I prided myself on being a pacifist most of the time. The wish to lash out at something, to get even with the world was tempting, but stupid. I huddled closer to my husband (I couldn't believe that after so many decades, it was still a surprise to say that word) and walked calmly to my breaking point.

End of the line- no sanity from here on.

The rain threw itself down harder from the heavens, each droplet flying desperately to its demise.

-x-

The words from the small, suit-clad man's mouth were thick and garbled. "True", he said, "Honest, kind, noble." Words that meant nothing and said nothing. Words that would have made Charlie smiled that favourite crooked grin of mine, and laugh at the thought of them being used about him.

I stared at the small, wooden box and tried to imagine my dad fitting into something so clean-cut and tidy. It didn't suit him. Nothing here suited him- not the black ties and dinner jackets. Not the tuna and cucumber sandwiches stagnating at the reception. I could almost smell them over the ever-present scent of blood, this time from the weeping, sweaty mourners. The church was only half-full, but it had enough people to make sure me and Edward were unnoticed. Luckily Renée hadn't been able to fly out. If she'd been there, I don't think I would have been able to stop myself from falling on my one remaining parent and begging God to make time stop for her, too.

The man stepped down from his little podium and a group of men from the Forks police station began to carry the little box of leftovers down the aisle. I could feel a sob, loud and uncomfortable, rise up in my throat. I shook involuntarily, and Edward reached for my hand again. Around me, people stood and began to sing. Their voices mingled as one. The sound reached up to the roof and regrouped, before echoing back to me…

_All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small…_

Someone pulled open the doors and the wintry light glinted off the lid of the coffin and into my eyes. I didn't squint. I tried not to show Edward I was in pain. I didn't want so much as a second of today to be about me- today was for Charlie. For all the time we had spent together, and for all the time I had left him alone. I didn't know anyone as solitary as him- there was only one person I could think of, a long time before. I saved him, the beautiful boy who held my hand now as I shattered into pieces. I might have saved Charlie, for a while. Then I had left, and he had turned into something that fit in that small, lacquered box that was being carried away from me.

_All things wise and wonderful, the Lord God made them all…_

I wondered why such a song had been chosen. What was bright and beautiful about today? Where was my Charlie, who was not necessarily wise but who knew me like nobody else? What was wonderful about his death? What did the Lord God have to say about his absence, which every person here felt like a hole in the heart?

_He made them high and lowly, each to their estate…_

The song ran to a close and the final straining chords of the organ dissipated. People milled about in the church for a while, before following the vicar out slowly. The old metaphor of shepherds and sheep came to mind. Who was my shepherd now? Parents are the glue in the world, they keep us responsible, realistic... I looked at Charlie's life and I saw the meaning drop out of mine. What was left? What was ahead? The years ahead stretched out endlessly, unchanging and cold as the face I saw in the mirror each day.

A minute later we were at the grave-side. I didn't remember any of the journey there and stopped still for a moment. Instead of leading me on again, Edward had frozen too. His eyes shifted to a darker shade of gold as they glared across the cemetery. I flinched back from his gaze- the angry set of his mouth told me whatever he could see was not good news.

"We've got company," He managed to murmur through the pained grimace marring his features.

The four Quileutes that had decided to come walked casually through the graves towards us. No, that was wrong. They were trying so hard to look casual, that they stuck out a mile. Their arm muscles bulged in their jackets whilst their fists clenched. They walked with an exaggerated swagger, like they were holding back yet walking forwards at the same time. I examined the four faces in turn- Sam, Embry, Paul…

Seth.

I breathed a sigh of relief whilst Edward growled quietly in their direction. There was a face absent which I both longed and detested the idea of seeing. Sam looked up slowly at Edward's warning, but the movement was again too measured, too calculated to be casual. They stopped a few feet behind the ceremony. Close enough to watch, but too far away to hear what the vicar was saying.

My thoughts were on the wolves as Charlie was lowered- ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

I saw one of the people from the police station toss something into the hole after him. His old work hat, I realised a second too late. All of a sudden, my hand was ripped out of Edwards and the hood of my waterproof had fallen as I ran to the edge of the grave. My knees sank into the soft, wet mud and I gazed down into the darkness and cried out. I could still see the box, just, with the hat and a few handfuls of earth on top.

I hugged my waist hard, digging in my fingers and staring up into the cloudy sky. Would nothing make the pain stop?

Gone, dead, passed away… there were a million ways to describe Charlie but I didn't want to use any of them. He was funny. He liked time to think, time to be alone. He was honest, and caring, and rude… and my dad.

And I had let him die.

Suddenly Edward was next to me, prising my hands from around my self and fitting me into his embrace. He kissed me lightly on the forehead as I dry-sobbed, trying to convey something I didn't want to understand right now. Then he pulled the hood back up over my head as thick, fat raindrops began to course down my cheeks and people began to whisper behind us. All these hiding games we played, Edward and I. They all seemed trivial when I remembered that I had picked them over my father's life.

People began to drift away now that the show was over. The rain slid across my father's coffin in streams and patterns. I closed my eyes, trying not to think about leaving Charlie here in the dark- alone, again.

"It's time, Bella." Sam muttered, suddenly behind us with the other pack member he had brought. As back-up, presumably. "You've been here long enough."

"These aren't even Quileute lands, what do you care?" Edward snarled back with full force now it was just us, "Her father's dead, can't you give her some time…?"

"You're already on extra time, leech." Paul spat vehemently. I'd wondered how long it would be until someone dragged up all the old insults.

"Well thank you, dog, for _allowing _her to say goodbye to the man who raised her for eighteen years." Edward replied sardonically, removing his arms from around me standing up to face Paul full on.

"You're welcome," piped up Seth Clearwater, with a badly concealed grin.

"Enough. Just enough, okay?" I whispered vehemently, closing my eyes and speaking with a voice that seemed to carry all my real age in it. "Charlie wouldn't want fighting, especially not today." I managed to continue before the sobs returned with full force.

Edward took a step towards me, and tried to lift me to my feet. I wasn't ready to stand just yet. I gripped the edge of the hole tightly enough to turn the wet grass to dust, and leant farther over the edge of the gap with my eyes closed. For a second, I wanted to jump down, to rip open that stupid box and crawl up next to Charlie. To be 'at peace'. To be wherever he was, because that was enough for me. The bickering carried on behind me and Edward turned back to the wolves, trying to shield me from the terrible things they were saying.

"Well we all know what Charlie _did_ want…" Paul challenged, grinding his teeth together in some supposedly menacing way.

I felt Edward stiffen behind me, as he heard the boy's thoughts before he said them aloud.

"He wanted Bella to be with Jacob," Sam finished, refusing to stop now this conversation had been started. Each word hit me like a knife in my back, and I curled up tighter in pain with every syllable.

I could feel Edward, tense and angry, ready to snap. I half turned towards him, and placed a granite hand on his arm to steady him. The words they said were true. Everything they said to hurt me was true.

"Still, if I had the choice between eternal life and a nose job, or picking up Jake's dirty socks… I guess I know who I'd choose too." Seth commented, whilst the rest of the pack barked out loud, cruel laughs.

They'd gone too far with that- it wasn't Edward who needing restraining this time. I flew to my feet, my hand reaching out to tear at their stupid, snickering faces. The urge to rip, to kill- it rose in me like never before. They were mocking the choice I'd agonised over making. They were laughing at me, at Charlie, at everyone I loved… The venomous snarls that rolled effortlessly out of my throat echoed around the near empty graveyard like thunder.

Edward and Sam were suddenly at my side, pulling me back from Seth as I roared. His face went pale and he backed away, all the swagger dripping off his face with the rain. I was completely shocked with myself, not able to believe what I had been doing. I could still see my hate-filled expression glaring back at me in Edward's worried eyes. All the anger drained away and I went limp, slipping through his icy arms and landing on the wet, dark grass next to Charlie's grave once more.

I couldn't see any of their faces now, but I could feel their eyes burn into my backs as I shook silently. I could hear Sam give Seth a whack on the arm, and was glad that the wolves realised that what had been said was out of line. I huddled closer into myself as Edward spoke quietly with the pack leader. I had failed everyone and it was too late to apologise. My fingers reached across the dark, gaping hole where Charlie was hidden to touch the smooth headstone depicting his name, age, and a small message-

_**Charles William Swan**_

_**Loving father.**_

_**Gone but never forgotten.**_

It seemed that nine words were all it took to break my heart.

"He's promised you five minutes alone here, Bella." Edward whispered to me, his cool breath tracing my inner ear. I realised the wolves had gone, only Edward and I remained. The thick rain still fell, dampening my senses and my emotions. I turned only to search for Edward's lips. He pressed them to mine briefly, immediately understanding, then stroked his finger along the line of my jaw gently.

"Alone?" I asked, my voice monotonous and empty.

His golden eyes were filled with words he couldn't say. He opened his mouth quickly, then closed it again. I stared numbly into his beautiful, butterscotch eyes, trying to feel some of the warmth that radiated from them.

"I'll be in the car," He sighed eventually, shattering the tenuous connection of our shared gaze. Edward's eyes focused on the gates of the small cemetery as he said, "The pack says just four minutes, love. Say goodbye to him- for me."

Before I could nod, he was gone. The rain soaked him up like the vision he always seemed to be. Without the light shining from his skin, the world around me was empty. Charlie lay quietly where I could not reach him. No birds sang or creatures skittered in the silence. They seemed to understand that this was a place of mourning, of quiet and contemplation. Only the worms coiled indifferently below my feet, turning loved ones to mulch.

"I'm so sorry…" I began, though I knew Charlie was in no place where he could hear my words. "It was never meant to happen this way. I never thought about this, the future…" I closed my eyes, "I just thought about me."

The words didn't help at all. If anything, they made it harder. My mind drifted into the future, to the end of my four minutes. I couldn't imagine leaving, turning my back on Charlie and walking away. Though, why not? my mind murmured silkily. I had done it once before…

"I'm sorry." I whispered once more, my voice breaking with the hurt and regret it failed to carry. The lack of forgiveness was eminent in my grey, hazy surroundings.

"You should be," a voice said behind me, making me jump so hard that I nearly toppled forwards into the darkness.

I got my balance again, somehow. As slowly as I could manage, I stood up and turned to face the other love I had left behind.

-x-

I got the name right first time, at least. Unlike my last trip to visit him. I had to admit; even I found it hard to tell the difference between the guy in front of me and his teenage son down in La Push. 'Teenage son' and 'Jacob' were still pretty hard for me to fit in a sentence together. Jacob Black had Billy's teenage slouch down to a tee. He wore a dark suit which was slightly baggy and missing a button, probably one of his dad's old ones, judging by the style and the wear on the elbows. His hands were shoved deep in his pockets and his dark hair hung in wet strands over his eyes, which were staring boldly into mine.

"Jake." I half asked, barely managing to get the word out. He nodded once, either in confirmation or in greeting. I wanted to step forward and hug him, my best friend… but too much time had passed. Too many things had been said.

He kicked at the grass with cracked black leather shoes, trying to fill the silence. I wanted to turn back to Charlie, but I didn't want to look away from Jacob either. When did he ever get so… tired? The slouch wasn't just attitude, it was exhaustion. The shadows under his eyes were nearly as pronounced as mine. He looked world weary, like life had given him too many hits for him to keep going.

I tried not think about how I might be responsible for that.

"I'll miss him," Jake confided, looking past me at the headstone with Charlie's full, formal name written on it. "I like to think that he found Harry and Billy- probably at some great fishing spot up there." He smiled, "They'll all be laughing their heads off at us, for crying so hard."

A laugh of my own managed to mix in with the huge, sobbing convulsions that were shaking me. My arms were crossed around myself as I turned to look at the headstone with Jacob. The rain felt right, making patterns on my blushless cheeks.

"So not being able to cry," Jake asked slowly, "Is that a vampire thing?"

"So being completely tactless," I replied, my voice thick, "Is that a werewolf thing?"

He grinned, turning to me with a snort. "Touché," He muttered.

He took a step forwards, so that we were stood side by side next to the unfilled grave. It reminded me off La Push, the two of us staring off the cliff at those guys who'd been crazy enough to dive off. We both stared down, both of us trying not to think of what was at the bottom. Or who, rather.

"I wasn't going to come, Bells." Jacob began, still looking down instead of at me. "Today's about Charlie, I know that."

I wondered how he knew I'd been thinking that today. That was one of the things about him- he'd always been able to pick up on my wavelength without me having to say a word. Like when I'd stopped listening to music after Edward… left. Jacob just knew.

The nod I gave was unnecessary.

"Then Sam said today… today was really the last time he'd let you back." Jake continued, finally meeting my golden gaze. "And I knew I had to."

I realised, suddenly, that Edward had known about this. His look at the gate, the message he'd been trying to give me… "_Say goodbye to him- for me."_… Who had he been referring to?

"I can't get used to your eyes," Jacob threw out randomly. "I miss the way they were, before."

Again, there was nothing I could say in reply. He shoved his hands deeper in his pockets and I turned without thinking. I reached out a hand for one of his. The second of hesitation he gave made me want to cry out with pain. When had he become so… wary? Yet if anyone had the right not to trust me…

His hand tensed when he slid it into mine, the difference in temperature made more obvious by his unusually warm skin. Our fingers felt good entwined together, the heat making my skin tingle. After a few seconds, his hand fell away but something remained.

I looked at him with questioning eyes, but his expression gave nothing away.

The little wolf charm I'd given him back lay in my ivory palm, the dark wood oddly warm.

I opened my mouth in protest, but he got there first.

"I'm taking your advice Bella," Jacob smiled, speaking too loud for our empty surroundings. There was no sorrow or regret in his voice; it was like he was trying to persuade me to a point of view I didn't understand.

"_I'm done hurting you. It's not fair on anyone._" He quoted back to me, his eyes hard and empty. I flinched, trying not to think about what that letter had done to him. I was going to have a lot of repressed memories to deal with later.

"I just wanted you to move on. It's better for everyone," I explained carefully, trying to convince myself just as much as him.

"That doesn't mean you had to give back my present, though." Jake replied sulkily, crossing his arms and pouting in imitation of an upset child. I tried to laugh for him, but it turned to a sob somewhere between my throat and my lips.

"No, you were right. I called Karen, we're engaged." He told me, letting a little warmth leak into his voice. "I won't let you tear yourself up about me like this, Bells." Jake promised seriously, his eyes flicking over to where Charlie lay.

He took a step forward and hugged me tightly, warming me through even through the thick waterproof I had on. The smell was so different to the last time I'd done this, when I was human. The soft, earthy scent had replaced by something much more bitter, with a hint of- however much I hated to say it- wet dog. When I stepped back out of his embrace, Jake had a tight hold on my arm. He shook back the sleeve so my bracelet was visible and took the tiny howling wolf from my hand. Flicking the tiny glittering heart out of the way, he reattached the charm on the opposite side of the bracelet.

"It wasn't your fault," He tried to tell me, but I just shook my head wordlessly.

Then, hesitantly, he let go of my arm and took a step away.

"Remember us," He whispered across the space that was really so much bigger than the few steps that separated us. Jake's eyes flicked to the dark shape in front of the church gates. A car sat there in the drizzle, purring gently as the engine pulsed in an oddly threatening manner. There was everything left to say and nothing left to lose, but there was only one word on my lips for both of the ghosts in front of me.

"Goodbye," I croaked to Charlie, ignoring the searing hot pain that was ripping me apart. I read the gravestone through closed eyes, the image forever engraved in my mind. And whatever was left of my heart.

A gust of wind and a last patter of wind was my only reply.

"Goodbye," I whispered to Jacob, resisting the urge to bury myself in his warm, strong arms one last time. His replying smile was small and brief, but it helped a little. My miniature sun- now a lonely, dying planet.

My time was up. Refusing to think or feel, I turned away from everything I knew and followed the steady path back to the rest of my heart.

-x-

_Congratulations if you've finished! That's definitely my longest chapter, but I wanted to finish this story right. I can't believe it's ended. I wasn't sure whether bringing in Jake was such a good idea, but I think he deserved a happy ending. Review and tell me! Chloe _


End file.
